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love
Wednesday. 11.14.07 7:41 pm
went to a show and I saw this rapper, Scarub, his lyrics are really good and to the heart. Here is a song about seeing someone and in a heartbeat knowing she's the one but not knowing how to react. It is called "Wishful Thinking".


I used to know this girl as fly as Saturdays
And every time she smiled my way it was like honey to me
I would hold my heart as well as my hopes back
For fear of how she would have reacted
If I was to express how I was attracted
And every time I would see her ever-so-beautiful figure walking the earth
It would just confuse me
Making me woozy
But I kept my mouth shut
I figured putting myself in such a position of vulnerability
Would just give her the power to either lose me or abuse me
So in the dark I stood
Skylarking I would ponder on what if
But the what-ifs would have been solved
If I wasn't so chicken-shit to get involved
In these matters of the heart
But that's all in the past and
She's gone leaving me gasping while asking
I wonder if I'll ever have another chance
Wonder if I'll have another dance
A change in my circumstance
To romance from wishful thinking
In her eyes I was tucked away and forgotten
And all my plottin' to win this girl
Too small to be measured
And so now all I have to treasure is my wishful thinking
I was wrong. This is a perfect example of love that is hopeless. The love unspoken is always doomed. And I can’t imagine how not saying anything would be easier that letting her walk away.

My problem is that all I have to do to walk away is to turn my computer off. And the reason that I left was because all you wanted to do was keep dreaming.

Songs like this exist so I know I am not the only one to go through this. But in reality, it is Frank, or Billie, or Michael, or Harry, it isn’t ever you serenading me.

And they are just songs. Not you speaking to me. I have spent too long hoping you would change and do something about your crush. But you just watch. You are chained to your dreams and the problem with that is that I am not really a part of your life, your idea of me is. And the fact that he would rather keep that than to actually date me is what makes me so sad. It hurts that you would rather cling to your idea of me rather than date me. what I don’t understand is why you still find the need to bring me into it.

Ok seriously. Why just buzz around my head? I know you are there. I know you are always around. My problem is that you don’t come any closer. I feel like I have a relationship with a helicopter. But a helicopter can’t take me to the movies. And a helicopter can’t give me kisses.

Why bother buzzing around my head if all you want are the dreams? If I have nothing to do with your relationship with me, then what does it matter if I am present? You don’t want me any closer so what does it matter to you if I leave? You don’t really want to hold me hand, you just want to watch me sleep. And you only want to watch me sleep through a screen, you don’t want to feel the warmth and softness of my skin.

So what do you care if I leave? By staying I have only encouraged you to stay away. And by leaving at least I might have a chance at the real thing, even if it isn’t with you. What do you care if I am aware of your dreaming of me? all you want are the dreams. But that isn’t enough for me.

Cling to your dreams then. If that is all you want from me. take it and leave me alone because I don’t want to just dream anymore. I want to make my dreams come true.
And they can you know. I would have dreamed with you if you would have woken up long enough. But you haven’t.

What I don’t get is this part:
But I kept my mouth shut
I figured putting myself in such a position of vulnerability
Would just give her the power to either lose me or abuse me
Lose you or abuse you? Is that what you really believe I would do? Now I know you don’t know me at all. Why would I bother to beg you to come closer if I planned on losing or abusing you? It would be a terrible waste of time and effort for me if I was just planning to hurt you to go through all of this. What hurts is that I would want the exact opposite. My intentions for your coming closer are that there would be no more leaving from either of us. There would be no need to leave since we would want to stay. If your love were true, I would be vulnerable too, you know. But that is only for a few minutes we would feel like that while we make the unknown known.

Love is not about power. It is about the willingness to surrender it although the only thing that ends up being surrendered is the control. Not control like the “upper hand” but control like about thinking about anything other than the loved person. Or control of heart rates or smiling. The people that don’t love are those who can’t give up any sort of control. Fear of the unknown is what holds you back from love. Just because something is unknown doesn’t mean it has to be bad. Life is unknown no matter what you do and it will often make you slip just when you are getting good at juggling. So why do that alone? The idea is to get through life together no matter what happens.

The great thing about love is that the exchange of power is no longer the issue, but more that two people unite and become stronger together. Feeling vulnerable will pass because as time passes, trust will develop and you would see that you can trust me. you can tell me anything and I can trust that you will be there to support me.

Love depends on how you make it. So if the time is taken to make it right from the start it can only become better. I can’t promise that it would be perfect or always easy, but you can’t promise me that either nor could you promise that about anything. But as long as we both WANT to get passed it, the good stuff will always outweigh the bad times.

My intentions have never been to punish you or to make you suffer. No matter how I have tried to say or explain that you don’t believe me. ask yourself if all I wanted was to hurt you, why would I play your games, why would I keep knocking on the wall for you to let me in? why would I care that I don’t know you any better? Couldn’t I just cause you pain from far away? Couldn’t I just ignore you to cause the most pain? Couldn’t I just find someone else to cause pain? Besides if I don’t know you, then wouldn’t you gather that all I want is love from the journals about Chris? He left me and all I wanted from him was his return. Did I ever mention causing him pain? Did I ever talk about anything other than keeping him? How could I possibly keep him if I just hurt him? All I ever hoped for was for him to give me another chance to win his love. So why would I pine so much for a guy I wanted punish? Wouldn’t I just plot instead?

So why do you assume I would rather hurt you than love you? Can you not hear that?

You have caused me more pain than James. And yet for so long I asked you to come closer in hopes that all pain and suffering would end. I have let you keep hurting me with your punishments and cruel negligence for almost 4 years. And even now, you won’t even tell me your name or let me hear your voice. You haven’t said a word to me. and you have never apologized for any of the mistakes or tried to make the pain stop yourself. I never had the choice of letting you in or keeping you out, yet I have only ever asked that you actually be in my life so that you could experience all of me and I you. All I know of you is pain but why? These voices of spite come from your heart, but why? What did I do to make you want revenge? What did you do to get it? And what are you doing now about it?

You hide from me as you always have. You blame me for your guilt of your sins against me. and any fear you have of repercussions are all in your head because I have never been anything but sincere to you. You continuously throw it back in my face. All I want is for the pain to stop. No more games and no more fighting. But you treat me like I am asking you to stop breathing. And you treat me like a disease. Or a puzzle that needs to be solved.

Since I have known you you have used my love for Chris against me. why? Because I don’t love you? How can i? you won’t even tell me your name. you won’t even be my friend. You won’t be in my life at all. So how could I love you? How can you see that I want to give you my love if all you look for are the ways you think I want to hurt you? so in defense you hurt me. pain is all I know of you, yet I have kept asking for you to come closer so the pain could stop. For 4 years you have rubbed salt in my open wound. And all you believe about me is that I want to cause you pain for revenge.

So if you can’t believe me when I say I want to love you as I do Chris, then I don’t have anything else to say because it is clear that you haven’t been hearing me.

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Easy or Hard?
Tuesday. 11.13.07 2:06 pm
who the hell do you think you are? blonde hair and blue eyes? i have no idea who that is. and i don't really care to know. why would you pretend to be someone else?
why wouldn't you be you? do i even know you at all? have we ever had a conversation?

this is so stupid. what a mess. no wonder this hasn't changed at all. no wonder you are still hiding.

you make no sense. and pretending to be someone else? why? that is so lame. i am going to start believing that you are that guy Matt she dated with the DNA Tattoo so i can hate you.

so you are just some random guy following me around? why? why not just talk to me? why drag it out? why pretend?

that is not the way to win my heart. and it just ruined any chance we had. i was wrong about you. you are not only shy, you are a liar. and if you started off lying to me i can bet you will keep on lying to me.

you are a bad person. and what you did was cruel. i don't care who you are or what you may know about me. i really hope you never wanted to actually come closer because lying about your identity only shows me that you have no idea who you are. since you won't actually talk to me, i have no care to find out.

you picked the wrong guy to imitate. and you picked the wrong girl to play games with. if i wanted to play games i would play cards.

i loved him. and maybe i could have let that go sooner if i had known it wasn't him contacting me. but to pretend to be him? i thought i might know you. but you have made it clear that you varys depending on who you ask.

no thanks. i need someone who will be honest and blunt and actually in my life. if you won't even show me your true colors, don't worry, they shine through you.
you are a bad person. and you are cruel to toy with me. love isn't made by lying. and to pretend to be him so i wait is just cruel. i only wanted his love. and you have made me look like a fool to him for too long. i thought he was on his way back to me. but i guess that's what i get for writing a journal on a public medium. if he doesn't love me back you shouldn't have made me believe that. love that is unreturned is wasted. and the hope for the answer was all a waste. love should never be wasted, and you just used up all of the love i could have had for you.

i thought you were genuine. but i was wrong. you are not the one for me either. you are just like the rest of them. and all you were to me is a waste of time. leave me alone and don't contact me. i don't want your attention. and i don't want to play your games.
you have only caused me pain and suffering. and my heart is not for sale. leave me alone and don't watch me. stay away from me and stay out of my life.

all you did was let me down. you are just like all the rest of them. and i know that won't ever change. you don't love me so don't pretend to. watch how easy it is for me to let go of you. love is true. you are false. that is all i need to know about you.

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Friday. 11.2.07 2:45 am
is it better to love or be loved? is it inevitable that you take on one of those roles in a relationship more than the other? are certain types of people prone to each role? which am i? is it ok?

i think i'm more of a "to love" person, which unfortunately means i get the short end of the stick. although, if you spend all your time being loved, maybe you could do better? i'd rather be hopelessly infatuated with someone who's sort of into me than to have a retarded person i don't respect hanging on my every word. so maybe it's fortunate that i always find myself in the former situation rather than the latter.

people don't change.

is that true? more so than we want to believe or admit to ourselves. i've spent countless years trying to change people -- or rather, sitting idly by HOPING they'd change and LOVE ME -- only to realize it was all a waste. does that mean i'll never change, that the things i think are wrong with me are hopelessly fixed? and can we live that way? even if nothing ever changes about us, is it better to indulge the fantasy that we can change so that we continue to try? is there value in trying apart from succeeding? and is there joy in those minutes you spend with someone, hoping that they'll learn to love you, those minutes before you realize they never will.

Currently Reading
Bridge of Sighs
By Richard Russo
see related


Is this how you think i think? you don't know me at all. how dare you. even with everything you know you don't know me at all. sort of into me? thanks for nothing.

i can't believe you would watch me in a bar rather than be the one to talk to me. why else would i go by myself? who do you think you are? this isn't a game to me and you are cruel to mock me like this.

you are the one letting me down. i don't know you at all either. but at least i ask questions because i am interested in finding out. i don't doubt myself. that was until i met you. but i am tired of living in the shadows of your projections. and i can change that. you can't get lost time back. and at least i have the courage to love. it's just my dumb luck i found someone who is incapable of reciprocating.
and who are you? just some asshole on the internet who writes about other people because he is too afraid to live his own life.

if you had ever actually known love, you would know that the only great joy in life comes from those moments spent with those you love. go find out for yourself so you can get a life of your own. stop trying fantasize your way into mine. toying with someone who is heartbroken is cruel. and maybe i could have let go of him if you weren't pretending to be him for the past three years. i can change because all i have to do to let you go is turn off my computer.

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words are just words
Friday. 10.26.07 7:13 pm
Call you? And say what? I just want to hear your voice, I am just thinking about you? All of those things are true, but it isn’t a reason to call you…. I already tried to ask you to a movie, but you didn’t want to. That would have been my reason to call. But I feel like you would just say no again if I called, or you wouldn’t pick up.

Why can’t you call me? Then I will at least know you want to talk. Why can’t you call me? Why don’t you? Why haven’t you?

I just feel like such a stalker. Ha. Well, seriously, I am always the one to contact you. You only called me once on Valentine’s Day in 2004. But I email, I text, I called, I wrote, I sang, I hoped, and all I get is silence from you.

Is it too much to ask that you call me? I want you to come back to me. That is my price for my heart. It has been on hold waiting for you to come and claim it, so why haven’t you?

I have been calling you since the day you left. And now you say you have been listening.

I guess it is a matter of pride, but it’s also more than that. I just feel like calling you again would be so lame of me. I feel like every time I have tried to reach out, you have sneered at my hand and turned away.

If you wanted to hear from me, you would call me. Or you would write back, or you would respond somehow to let me know that you did in fact want my attention.

I have never stopped calling you. So why aren’t you calling me back?

Why haven’t you come any closer? Why haven’t you reached out? Why haven’t you ringed my doorbell?

Can’t you see that I need you to do this for me? I need you to come to me. I need you to initiate. I need to know you are thinking about me enough to call.

Do you think it’s easier if I call or something? Easier for you maybe. But it isn’t easy for me in any way. It just makes me feel like I am once again asking for your attention that you don’t want to give me. You know I HATE calling anyone. And at least if you called me, I would know you wanted to talk to me. It sounds lame, I know, but I feel like every time I call, you can’t wait to stop talking to me. And my sister told me you don’t like it when I text. But calling means you have to talk. But touching doesn’t have to include that and we would still communicate. Your touch would show me much more than your words could ever convince me.

Just call and tell me you are coming over. That is what I really want. Your voice would just be a tease to me. I want to feel you. In my opinion, I am WAY past calling. I want kisses. I want to see your smile and I want to touch your face. I want to see you looking back at me so I can get lost in your eyes. The phone would just verify that we are apart still. And it would never be enough for me, so why bother. I want to feel your breath against my ear. Hearing your voice when you are far away would only remind me that I have been pretending you were by my side this whole time. If I call your voice would just ring the familiar pang to my heart that is my own echo. And the silence after words will kill me.

Don’t you understand that calling you would only remind me that you are still so far away? It would hurt too much because I wouldn’t want to ever hang up for fear it would be the last time I could hear you. I would become desperate to absorb your words. Hearing your voice would send lightning to my heart and hanging up would only suffocate me like quicksand. I know I would start crying if I called you. Just because I would know I have to let you go all over again.

I love you. Forget the phone. Come back to me. Show me that you don’t want to let me go ever again.

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running scared
Monday. 10.22.07 7:04 pm
Why should I care? You obviously don’t care about what I have to say since you never bother to listen. Never bother to change. You won’t stop listening. And I wish you would so you were forced to ask me about my day.

Why should I care about deciphering all you stupid emails? If you don’t actually want me to know what you are saying, then why should I bother to try and figure it out? If you are just going to keep sending me emails I can’t read, then why should I wait for you to reach me?

You are just some jerk with nothing better to do with his afternoon than listen to me live my life. Well it’s time you got a life of your own.

If you don’t want to actually be in mine, then stay out! I am tired of waiting for some asshole who can’t manage the decency to interact with me.

Even if I don’t know you, I would have given you the chance. But you won’t give me one, so why should I keep asking?

You are the fool because you want nothing more from me. I am the fool because I keep hoping you will hear me.

It doesn’t have to be like this. I am tired of begging for attention. And I shouldn’t have to.

One day soon I will stop caring about what you have to say. Since I can’t read it anyhow, why bother asking for more. You obviously don’t want me to understand you.


You are just a joke with out a punch line. Because that is all you want to be to me. just a stupid playground bully pulling the same pranks to make your self feel better because I don’t understand you. Ask yourself why that is. How could I know you? You won’t show me or tell me anything about you. How can I know you? All I know about you is the pain you cause. All I have are memories about a guy I knew once who wants nothing to do with me. the only thing I can do is let both of you go.
After so long, are we any closer? Am I any less angry? Or less in pain?

You are just some fairy tale I have conjured up in hopes that the one I love was listening. But you aren’t him. Because this isn’t making us closer; it only expands the distance between us.

If he loved me, he wouldn’t allow that. No man that actually loved me would allow more distance to come between us. He would try to prevent us from separating ever again.

You will always be some other time. Some other day. Not now. Not ever. I am never good enough for your attention presently. Even though you have nothing better to do, I am still not considered.

That should tell me all I want to know. Because if you can’t even change enough to talk to me, what makes me think you will ever make time for me?
You are happy in your game. So why would you ever change that? If you loved me, you would have come by now. A man in love wouldn’t have allowed a minute to go by the minute he heard me calling him.

Keep running. One day you will notice that I stopped chasing you. Your problem is that you won’t notice when I stopped or how long you kept playing.

And then you will realize that it is too late for us. I will have moved on. And you will still be playing catch up.

I don’t deserve this. I deserve someone who isn’t afraid to love me back. You should be proud to earn my love. If you can’t see that is what I offer, you are a fool. If you have no desire to keep my love, then I will simply stop offering my heart to you.

No distance would be too great to cross if I just knew I could reach you. But running only shows me you have no intention of slowing down. So it is time for me to move on.

Keep running so I can let go. You clearly aren’t trying to come any closer, so maybe I should just let you keep running. You aren’t running to me, so you must be running away. All I have to do is let go.

I am not hiding from you. So if you were looking for me, you would have come by now. Keep running. Push me away and see what happens. Because your plan is working. I am severing any connection I have with you.

And one day all you will be to me is a ghost of a fairytale I had once. All I will know of you is the resentment I have because you never chose to be anything more.

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huh?
Tuesday. 10.16.07 2:40 pm
sometimes harder is easier. by declaring something difficult, it's more palatable to justify not making any progress toward achieving it. or giving up all together. but other times it's just hard. i don't know which this is.--you


You and all your well laid plans. Brotherly Love indeed. where is my love i would like to know?
are you giving up? how could this be so difficult as to warrant giving up? the end result is much better than giving up.

hard or harder, does it matter? NO. Why? Because the end result is worth it. how can you tell when you win the battle? you take the land you fought it on.

do you honestly gauge whether or not to do something by its difficulty level? are you willing to give up because it makes you uncomfortable to challenge yourself to fight for something you want?

how else do you obtain something you want?

is talking to me so difficult that you would rather give up on us? do you not see how we are both at stake here? you are giving up our happiness, not just yours.

what makes it so difficult? is it things inside or outside of your control? If you control them, can't you just make the choice to turn it off?

you are saying that you don't want to play capture the flag because it would involve reaching out for it. Huh? So you would rather lose the game than to have to reach?
How else do you obtain the flag? at some point you have to reach out and take it. who cares what it took to get there. the point is that you have to get the flag. so who cares if it is separated by a grassy field or a vast moat? the point is the flag, not the moat. nobody cares what you have to do to get there, the only way to win is to get the flag.

but am i not worth the hassle of reaching for me? can't you see that by not reaching you are giving up on me? can't you see me on the other side of the moat with my open arms waiting? if there were a bridge i would build it. if i had a boat i would cross it. are you saying that you are unwilling to learn to swim? if you didn't know how to swim and i was on the other side of a river, would you not try anyway? would you not meet me half way?

can't you see me? can't you see that i am waiting for you? Can't you see that every path has a river to cross or a mountain to scale? can't you see that it isn't about reaching the top of Mount Everest as much as it is defying those who said it wasn't possible? Do you really think people climb Mount Everest so they can see the tip of the mountain? they do it to overcome themselves. the altitude and weather are just obstacles before getting there. that is why there is suffering and difficulty. the point is to overcome the battle within ourselves because that is what triumph is.

look past the moat. if you can see the flag, what is stopping you? i am here waiting for you. you know it is possible, so reach for me. and i will reach out to meet you.

ps, about the weight thing. everyone knows metabolism slows as we age. but weight doesn't come out all at once. AND 160 is your target weight? you are not allowed to weigh as much as i do. that really makes me want to starve myself. you gain weight when you gain muscle, right? because seriously, we cannot weight the same.

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